Tuesday, June 19, 2007

ONE ON ONE TIME

Nothing use to frustrate me more than to listen to my children whine. You know what I mean. The constant complaining, nothing was good enough, nothing was right... I use to wonder what was wrong? What was causing them to be so miserable and cranky? Were they tired? Did they have a bad day? What in the world did I do wrong now?

At some point I discovered something that helped. If I spent even 15 min. to 1/2 hour every day with each child, one on one, their mood changed dramatically. Give them some individual undivided attention. This made me realize that maybe all the whining and misbehaving had simply been a cry for attention. "Look at me. Listen to me."

We all get so busy in our day to day lives, especially if you are a working parent. The last thing you want when you walk in the door is to be bombarded by demands for attention. But trust me. If you take the time to give them that individual attention it will make the rest of the evening go much more smoothly and it creates a much more harmonious atmosphere. It also lets your child know that you are there to listen to them and it helps to foster communication that can continue into the tougher teen years.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Appreciation...a lost sentiment?

Okay this is partly about children and partly a vent...bear with me please.

I spent a rather interesting weekend with a friend's children. At times it is a real battle not to get disillusioned with children today. Sometimes we encounter children that no matter how hard or how much time and love parents put into raising them grow up to be self centered teens. I have to keep reminding myself that for all those self centered teens there are many genuine appreciative young adults. What makes these children, raised by average loving parents turn out to be so self centered. Well, look around us. On a daily basis I encounter adults that are so full of the 'me, me, me syndrome' that it's no wonder so many children grow up with that attitude. We have only to watch the news to see so many examples. People suing over the littlest thing, people with the attitude 'it's not my fault', people always looking for what they can get out of a situation regardless of how anyone else is affected. They are everywhere. We are living in a society of selfishness that is spreading like a cancer.

Despite this, I refuse to let myself get 'sucked' up into it. I may get a little discouraged, maybe even somewhat angry at times, but I refuse to let it get the best of me because then I will only become an angry bitter person too.

I live by the rule..'treat others as you would have them treat you'. When someone does me a diservice or treats me very unfairly as a friend did this weekend in cancelling for no reason a contract I was really counting on, my first reaction was anger. However, that anger soon grew to be more of a disappointment. Disappointment that this person I had trusted and been so good to would treat me that unfairly. Then the disappointment led to sadness. Sadness, that they let themselves become one of those self-centered people. And truly sad they they are so unhappy that they have to try and spread it. However, as often as I encounter those types of individuals the more determined I am not to let myself fall into that trap. If they only realized that they were only making themselves very unhappy in the long run. All that negativity, all that waste of negative energy is so draining when it would be so much simpler to face life optimistically. To treat people with respect and appreciation and then be the happy recipient of the same treatment back. It's never too late to turn over that leaf and decide to approach life in a more optimistic happy outlook. It would take years off their life.

This woman refuses to let someone elses negative attitude take them down too. For all those unhappy negative people I encounter I know there are many more out there that are truly appreciative and grateful for all they have and the loved ones they have in their lives.

This was a bit off topic and rambling....but hey, that's the way I am....:) Happy thoughts!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

TOO TIRED TO BLOG

Wow it has been an exhausting few days. So no blogging for me tonight. I am all 'talked' out...stay tuned.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

FIRST LOVE

Do you remember your first boyfriend/girlfriend? That feeling that they were the only one for you and that you would never love anyone else? I sure do. They were pretty intense feelings. Okay, it only lasted 4 months and when he broke up with me I cried for two days I think. It is now so funny to look back at it and at how silly the whole thing was. However, I am grown up now and have the life experience and maturity to look back and see it exactly for what it was.
Today though, as I helped a young friend struggle with his feelings with his first girlfriend, I had to remind myself that to him, these feelings were as serious as an adults. I couldn't make light of what he was going through or brush off the relationship by telling him, "Girlfriends come and go..." No, that would definately not have been a good way to handle it.
Sometimes, as adults and parents we tend not to take our children's experiences as serious as we should. Many of us have forgotten what it was like to be an adolescent, to struggle through the emotions without having the maturity to know how to handle it all. To them, the feelings are real and just as important in their world as our grown up feelings are in ours.
So all I could do was listen to him, share with him some of my own experiences in early relationships and encourage him to keep communicating to us his hurts and disappointments. Let him know that we were there for him whenever he needed to talk. I strongly believe that the most important thing we can offer our children is our constant love and respect. Let them know that no matter what, our love and support will always be there for them. Leave the door open for them to feel they can always come to us without us prejuding them.
They may make some bad choices along the way, they may stumble and fall, but we will always be there to help them back up to their feet and help point them in the right direction. Sometimes we have to make mistakes in life in order to learn and as long as we keeping learning in a positive way, as the kids always say to me then..'All is good.'

Thursday, June 7, 2007

EACH CHILD IS UNIQUE

If you really want to get your child's attention the next time they complain..."How come she's allowed to do that and I'm not?" simply respond..."Because I love them more." Then stand back and watch the expression. I have used this so many times with mine. The expression is priceless but then we both start laughing as they realize...nah...she didn't meant that.
As parents we love all our children equally. However, if we are honest with ourselves we will admit that we love each child differently. What I mean by that is that all children are different, with different personalites and dispositions.
Take my own children for example. My eldest, my only daughter, and I have a special bond. Part of it is because she is my only girl so we can identify in ways the boys and I can't. We enjoy doing 'girly' things and having 'girlish' discussions.
There is a fine line between being a mother and a friend to your child but with my daughter we have managed the keep that balance. We love to take road trips together. We have this game we play. While in the car on one of our road trips, we are not mother and daughter and anything we say stays between us. Wow, some of the interesting conversations that have taken place! The things we've shared. I almost want to put my hands over my ears and say..."Too much info!" I can honestly say not only is she my daughter, she is also my best friend. She is now 24 and for the last year and half we have been sharing an apartment because we both needed roommates. Eventually we will have our own places, but for now, we are happy with our arrangement.
My eldest son, I consider my right hand man, my rock. He is so level headed and strong and he keeps me grounded. With him I can sit and talk politics, world events. Our conversations are always so interesting. He is also my protector, not that I feel I need one, but he seems to like the role.:) Yes, he is my rock and I am very proud of him.
My youngest son, well he was my rebel. He is/was also my 'partner in crime' and my buddy. When I wanted to do something adventurous or fun, he was the one I would take with me. His wit is unmatched by anyone and he and I could exchange barbs for hours! He is so much fun. Definately a free spirit.
So you see, although I love all my children equally, I do love them in different ways because they are each unique individuals and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Please share with me the uniqueness of your own children. I'd love to hear from you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

BEST ADVICE I'VE RECEIVED OR GIVEN

The best piece of advice I was ever given, and I truly wish I could recall who gave it to me, was...'Pick Your Battles.' Yes, that little bit of wisdom came in handy on many occasions and I truly think it was the reason my children were open to hearing what I had to say or to my opinions as they grew up.
I have a friend whom I spent a lot of time with throughout our children's youth and I remember how it seemed to me she was always arguing with her children. I'll give you an example. One day her daughter, then 10, was heading to a friends house and her mother asked her to go put on a hat since the weather was somewhat cool. Her daughter argued back that she didn't think she needed one nor did she want to wear one. My friends response was to keep arguing with her daughter to put the hat on as she wanted her to wear one. Her daughter put the dreaded hat on angrily and left in a huff. My reason for telling you about this incident? I noticed that every time my friend tried to tell her children something they would put up their hands and say..."Okay Mom, okay. I know." and proceed to tune her out. Does that sound familiar? My friend asked me what I would do. My honest advice to her was, yes you guessed it...'Pick your battles.'
Does it truly matter in the big picture whether she wore that hat or not? What was the worst that could happen? She might find herself a bit cold and maybe next time she will decide she needs a hat. No harm done. However, by arguing with her, she has left angry (in her opinion viewing her mom's reaction as bossy and treating her like a baby). Maybe my friend should have instead asked her daughter if she felt she needed a hat? Let her make the decision herself since it wasn't life threatening and spared the argument and angry feelings? I mean, it was just a hat after all. As I told my friend save your battles for bigger more important issues. If you argue with them every step of their lives they will start tuning you out. And teenagers are really good at that I have discovered!
In my opinion, in the big picture of life....who cares how many piercing they get or how they wear their hair? It doesn't change who they are and the more you let them know you don't like it, guaranteed it will make them cling longer to it. Save your battles for those nights when you think they are making poor choices such as, taking a ride home from someone that has been drinking. Maybe then, if they haven't been listening to you arguing with them all the time, they might actually stop and listen to you. More on that in another post.
Do you have an experience in the area to share? Would love to hear it.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

TRIAL AND ERROR

This blog is not meant to insinuate that parenting is easy or that I have all the answers. That is definately not the case. I am just a middle aged mother of three grown children that has learned a lot during my years of raising them. Like most of life's experiences most of it was through trial and error. So if some of my trials and errors and the knowledge I have gained from them can help any parents out there today, then that is all I want.
My daughter, that is my oldest child once remarked after I had decided to let her younger brother stay out a bit later, "Mom, when I was his age I wasn't allowed to stay out that late." My response to her, while holding back a smile was, "Yes dear I realize that. But you were my test model." We both laughed.
However, it does have some truth to it. We do learn from each child different methods that work and some that don't. And then again, each child is uniquely different. I cannot say enough that raising children is trial and error, after all, isn't life about trial and error? You try something, it doesn't work...you try something else and you go on to learn from your mistakes.
Parenting is no different. We aren't perfect. Nor would we want to be. We are human and we make mistakes, but if we learn from them, then as the kids say, "All is good."
My daughter once told me that as she and her brother were walking down the hall at their highschool that they overhead two teachers talking. They were commenting on what nice respectful children they were. When she told me this my response was, "That must have made you feel really good." My daughters response to me.."It's you that should feel good about it Mom, after all you raised us." Now I ask, what better compliment can a mother get from her child than that?
I plan to add my own personal experiences and trial and errors to this blog on a fairly daily basis. I would love to hear some of your own experiences and mistakes you've learned from. Maybe we can all learn from each other?